Life is messy. Throughout this summer, I went through arguable the toughest time in my life. Literally the day I got done with school, my girlfriend at the time was acting different, and wanted nothing to do with me anymore. I didn't even know what I did. I was hurt, and lonely. A couple days later me and her officially broke up and went our separate ways. After that, I was hurt and I didn't know where to run. I acted out of emotions that I shouldn't have at that time and started messing around with other girls.
I just thought if I could find that same happiness with someone else, that I'd be happy again and that everything would be back to normal, but it wasn't. I had a lot of people tell me that I rushed into a new relationship too soon and that I should really reconsider what I was doing. But I didn't. I didn't want to listen to anyone else but me because I felt like I knew what was best for my life. That is being happy is the most important. But however the thing with God is, he doesn't want you happy, he wants you Holy.
I had just realized I wasn't living a holy life for Jesus throughout that summer. I messed up in every sense of the word. I acted out of a lot of different emotions when my then girlfriend wanted out of this relationship and that was wrong. I was so caught up in what I was doing for Jesus, that none of this made any sense to me. "Well why can't I be in another relationship?" Was often a question I asked. Well it made me lose focus of who Jesus is and what he wants to do in my life. I came to a point where I needed to make a choice. Do I continue doing what I was doing and searching for love in all the wrong places in this world? Or look to Jesus at the love and fulfillment he can show me every single day?
I chose Jesus, but not because it was the right choice. I chose Jesus because ultimately I know that there is that special person waiting for me out there that I am going to love way more than any other girl I've loved before. In some of our weakest times, Jesus is the strongest and shows us stuff through the pain and the hurt we may be going through. It's pretty incredible because every single Worship service I've experienced since coming to that realization have been incredible. I recently went to a "Night of Worship" at my church, Celebrate, and I was in tears by what God has been showing me these last couple of months. At my church, we write our own songs, and one of the songs we have written is named Rescue.
I was singing that song with all the joy in my heart, when I started weeping at how God has changed me over the course of this last month. The lines in this song that resonated with me the most were these: "All my courage is fading, My soul feels so suffocated, Your love come pull me to safety again." Along with "I know you are reading and willing, You'll turn these ashes to healing, and now you're making me like you." These lyrics demonstrated how much pain I was going in, but God ultimately had a bigger picture looking in that he wanted to show me, to make me like him.
If you're in a similar place with your walk with Jesus, I highly encourage you to focus on Jesus. I remember when Peter walked out on water to Jesus in the middle of the storm. In all honesty, it could've been completely calm, but if Peter had kept on not being focused on Jesus, he still would've sank and drowned. So just focus on Jesus.
